Instead of an episode of Arrow, flash, legends, Supergirl, or anything, I shall review a movie that has more connection to Arrowverse then we may care to admit. With Superman canon in the Arrowverse, and praised as a great version so much that people want him to have his own spinoff, let's see the original superman. Or rather, a remake of him. A movie known to be a remake NO ONE wanted, and when it came out, everyone said... We really didn't need that. This is...
Superman Returns[]
So after some credits, we're at a mansion where an old woman tells her husband he is a good man. Even though he went to prison, and she is glad they had sex. Disgusting. She gives him everything while two dogs bone, and she admits she loves... Lex Luger. And Lex Luthor. She dies, while Lex has her money. Also Lex is played by Kevin Spacey. This is probably not his best role, and he gives a girl a wig... That scares her. First of all, calm down! It's a fucking wig! Second, bald Kevin spacey looks weird. Third, he has a sexy French maid as his henchman. I can't even. So he leaves, being rich yet again! Oh, this is set a few years after Superman 2. Just want to remind you because the movie is very dumb at how it changes time. So the Kent's are living it up being stereotypical Midwestern family. Damn, I miss the Kent's in Lois and Clark, where they actually had a personality. Why aren't I watching Lois and Clark?!
So Martha (Not Batmans mom) sees a space ship crash near her home. Ahh fuck, another brat?! Fine, she'll raise the new brat, but she won't like it this time. So she sees the spaceship is crashed, and we see Clark. Played by Brandon Routh. Ahh Brandon... Shame on you. Actually, shame everyone in this movie. Especially Spacey! Speaking of Spacey, he has also teamed up with comic relief actors. What a... Deadly gang able to match Superman. He begins to tell his sidekick about Promtheous, some random ass archer in Star City trying to kill the Green Arrow. Or something like that. Kevin starts ranting about gods, and two things I note. First, the cameraman seems to be drunk. He is constantly being slanted, zooming in and out, and focus is given at weird places. It's jarring to look at, and while not the worst, is not a good idea for your box office movie. Second of all, they dialogue is... Forced. No one sounds natural, they sound like actors speaking from a script, which says a lot when I can take Stephen Amell saying 'Lightning chose you' seriously and respectfully while Kevin Spacey, arguably a terrific actor vastly superior to Stephen, can't even save this dialogue.
So the crew finds what they want. Supermans house! Great, now for Lex to get the key under the mat.
Great, I can be reading All-Star Superman. Well, Lex is able to tell everything about Superman because he read it off the wiki. He also wears the dumbest evil outfit ever. Well he can somehow manipulate the crystals despite that being pretty stupid seeing as how you'd think alien technology would only work for Clark. Also, Lex admits he was here before... In Superman 2. Why can't I be watching Superman 2?! That movie was a hundred times better, and it's not even that good. So Clark's dad starts telling Lex everything he wants to know, because DNA scans is far beyond alien technology. Lex wants to know all about crystals. He wants to start cooking meth. So we come back to Clark, who seems to like just walking around and looking bored. Huh, my reaction to this movie. Boredom, and anguish. Well Clark decides to have a flashback to being superman which is actually kinda nice. Coming back to a better time, where he was just a child having fun with his new superpowers.
Though this does make him Superboy, and the last time we saw Superboy, he was telling someone he will kill them till they die. Well he crashes because CGI Superman sucks, but learns he can float. Well Clark acts like a dick to his dog for no reason.
Points: 4
It's small, but superman being a dick for no reason is worth it. So news 52... Wait... 4?! Channel 4?! PRAISE THE LOR... Wait, this was before New 52. Move along. So Superman sees the world is fucked up, and he wonders why Hal hasn't fixed anything. So it seems Clark has been missing for 5 years. Thank god he DEAGED! Heck, everyone else besides Martha seems to be younger. Clark left to see his planet was destroyed. It was. Besides, he isn't the last. What about Kara, Krypto, Kandor, Daxamites, Phantom Zone, and that one huge city left on an asteroid? LAST SON MY ASS! So Clark heads back to work, breaking everything. Also, Jimmy. Huh, a non black or not dead Jimmy. Hey, Supergirl Jimmy may be bland as fuck, but at least he isn't dead! Fuck you Snyder. Well Jimmy has eaten a cake, and Jimmy has to do an article for a massacre. Huh. Neato. Clark wants to see Lois, who is on a plane. Oh my fucking God, who the hell flies anywhere near Metropolis? Those damn planes always gonna crash. Superman must catch a plane once a week. So Clark sees she won a Pulitzer, titled all about why Superman sucks.
Fuck you Lois, he saved the world from nuclear annihilation and Zod. Plus the greatest threat of all... NUCLEAR MAN! Wait, that's non canon. Cause even this movie has standards. So Lois has not only gotten married... Maybe, and she has a kid. I wonder who the father is. It's Batman, isn't it? So Lex heads back to the mansion and it seems a dog ate another dog. WHY DOES THIS MOVIE HATE DOGS?! Lex reveals his fetish for train models, and Lex compares his evil plan... To sea monkeys. Wow. Remember when Lex was a threat? So Clark is sad Lois isn't his girlfriend anymore, but Jimmy says Lois is still in love with superman. That's why she titled an article all about why he sucks. So the evil gang drops a small piece of a shard into water. Bad comic relief tries to milk this scene for all its worth. Fuck off. This movies comedy, like its dialogue, is forced and awful. Well all power in Metropolis fails because fuck you, that's what space crystals do. Also NASA does not have backup generators. Of course. Well the planes come back on, but everything is sorta kinda fucked. Normally, when something like this happens, everything goes back to what it was because you don't want a small error to fuck over billions in dollars... But today, NASA ain't giving no shits.
Also the model city comes apart with random screaming... From the toys. This movie is trying to make me feel bad for models. Fuck off. So the plane is actually trying to stop, (Okay, credit to the movie for following logic) but they can't stop cause of the blackout, and decide to do it anyway because it's the only actual plan they have. So the entire process is fucked, and oh look, a plane about to crash... In superman fiction. WE KNOW THE DRILL PEOPLE! SUPERMAN SAVES IT! I'm not even going to respond with this cliche. Let's just skip to after he saves everyone.
So after 10 minutes of bad CGI, people gawking, a baseball game, and Superman being unable to stop a plane despite being able to go back in time with his speed and power, we have the scene we all know to heart. Also people cheer. Well Lois, seems your article is shit and no one agrees with you after he saves hundreds, if not thousands. Also his curl is just... Fuck off movie. Brandon can not pull the superman curl. Hell, even his outfit looks like someone's cosplay! This movie is just... Honestly, it's not even bad. It's a disappointment. Still, everyone cheering to seeing superman return is actually nice. Lois also faints. Okay, this movie needs it.
Points: 5
So we see a small piece of a crystal with water can create a tower. So the movie is name dropped. Also Superman affects stock markets. Also, must take a point off for how Lois, a PULITZER WINNING WRITER, can't even spell.
Points: 4
Hey, I enjoy mocking Lois for her small I.Q, but this is just bad writing. So Lois wants to write about the blackout, while Perry gives no shit, he wants superman. Lois can't write sex either. Weird character point. So we see Lois's son, who needs an inhaler. That's important. Well her son says Lois never mentioned Clark, despite Clark being incredibly important to Lois. Wow, I think this movie hates Lois. Also Clark can't pronounce Pulitzer. Damn, this movie is bad on so many levels, I can't even begin. Also Richard is played by James Marsden. If you don't know him, he's the guy who is dating your love interest. Don't worry, he won't have that job soon, despite being a nice guy who seems to truly care for the woman he is dating. Don't worry man, one day, you'll marry this.
Also, I could be watching 30 Rock. Actually, I could be watching Season 3 of Arrow. So Lois thinks not doing her job is a good idea. Lois is a terrible reporter... Who won a Pulitzer. Musta been a slow year. So bad comic relief made friends with a cannibal dog, while Lex is angry that Superman is back. Also his goons were in an offscreen shootout. Also, an elevator with a thousand people. This movie gets more bizarre every second. So Clark and Lois have banter so bad, my own surpasses it. Also, PRODUCT PLACEMENT! You know, with bad banter, bad comedy, and product placement, this scene deserves... A point off!
Points: 4
So Superman is sad Lois doesn't want too OH GOD THE CGI! It's the worst! No more flying Superman CGI! Plus the practical effects are just as bad. So Superman decides to stalk Lois. Creepy as fuck man. This isn't the superman I grew up with! My superman was homophobic, threw family into orphanages cause he hated kids, and how he was incredibly sexist! Let's face it, Superman is ruined. So Lois's boyfriend wants to know if Lois banged Superman. She doesn't answer him. She did. She also says she doesn't love superman. Liar. Well Clark is sad and mopey because CRAWLING IN MY SKIN! Amazing voiceover can't even save mopey ass superman who sees disaster beyond belief... But decides a bank robbery is worst then a war. Superman fights for the one percent bitches! So some criminals with high military power are attacked by rent a cops. Because this isn't Arrow, rent a cops lose. The goons have a turrent. Also, bulletproof vest or not, multiple bullets will knock you out. Superman stops the guys from killing the security guards. Also, Supermans clothes are bullet proof. What does he make in them? Also, Supermans eye is harder then a bullet. Well after that, I'd give up.
So the worst driver to ever live (ME?!) cases chaps while Texas Lex horrifies a museum with his bad wig and bad accent. Please, let bad comic relief kill herself on accident! Nope, Superman saves her. Because he too, hates your guts. Bad comic relief acts like bad comic relief while Lex and his goons block out the museum, and steal what they want. Parasite! Oh, a movie version of Parasite, one of Superman's deadliest foes? No, that would be interesting. This is Superman Returns, we can't have that shit! Instead it's a random meteor. So Superman saves everyone ever, even stopping all crime in Star City. I will admit, the news covering how he saves everyone is nice. Wait a fucking second... The scene where Clark lifts a car?! Dear god, that didn't even happen in that scene! Also, Lois admits she fucked Superman. Also, Lois calls a random woman with heart problems a hooker.
Lois is a fucker. So it seems the law needed Superman to send him to jail. Umm... Lois was there. So by God, the cringe of this movie grows with how they force this small child to wheeze. Plus... That classical music. You know the one. To be so unashamed with how BAD this movie is... I actually respect this movie. I too wish to give no shits. Also Lex cut bad comic reliefs brakes, almost killing her. This movie is getting good. Well Clark pervs on Lois, because he is such a nice guy. Well Lois's boyfriend seems to think Clark Kent is Superman. Or not. Because come on, sense in a superman movie? Who wants that. Hell, say what you will about Man of Steel, even they knew Lois had to be smart so she figured out Supermans Idendity. This version is just like her old version, but without the charm! Hell, Lois and Clark made fun of how dumb Lois was! This movie just pisses me off for some reason.
Clark pervs on her some more. Clark... I hate you. So Superman is anti smoking, stopping her from smoking. Jerk. She interviews him, and he tells her he wanted to see if home was alright. It wasn't. Lois is pissed that Superman DARED return, and says the world doesn't need a Saviour. Yeah Lois, tell that to everyone Superman saved. This version of Lois is awful! She's a jerk who is stupid, moans and bitches, and has a grudge against superman.
Points: 3
Also, Superman himself is a mopey asshole who can't let Lois go, and constantly pervs and stalks her, and he acts creepy with her. So Superman isn't any better. Also, the float scene is pure crap, and it's obvious they aren't floating. So Lois has to pretend she totally didn't cheat on her boyfriend. So Lois prints out the script of Superman returns. Critics love it. Fans and casual watchers hate it. Perry says Lois can get her award and also write about how awesome Superman is. Because reasons. So Superman heads home to find... A crystal is missing! Oh my god! It's time to beat up Lex. So Lois steals Clark's job, which makes her the greatest reporter ever, and heads out to see her son. She takes her son with her to her job. So evil opera music plays, and Lois trespasses on people's property with her son. She is an awful mother, an awful reporter, and an awful person.
Seriously, going into someone's property is a douche move. So Lois sees a stack of wigs. My god... It's Lex's boat! Lex is the one bald man alive. So the boat leaves, and Lex sees Lois. Even he looks confused. Also her son insults Lex's baldness. Good to know her douchiness rubbed off on the kid. So Lex tells Lois he is a fan of her stuff, and the two do bad banter. By God, this banter is lame. Can this movie watch the animated superman show so we can see how Lois really is? Also, Lex. So Lex reveals his evil plan. Realty. I am not fucking joking. HIS MASTER PLAN IS TO MAKE REAL ESTATE! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!
Points: 2
LEX IS MURDERING BILLIONS FOR LAND?! THIS IS SO ABSURD, I CAN'T EVEN! I... By God, this movie is so stupid. Also, the scene we all know and love... Lex screaming wrong.
This movie, while bad, never disappoints in how bad it is. So Lex has Kyrptonite, and Lois's son reacts badly to it. Well then... I bet this doesn't mean anything. So the gang try to find Lois, but she has a password for her email. Her password is superman. Poor James Marsden. So Lois tells her son to play the piano. Ahh, isn't that nice? Also the guy has an evil clown tattoo on his head. For some reason. Also he can play the piano?! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?! WHAT AM I WATCHING?! Am... Am I on drugs?! So Lois mails a paper to her gang, and evil clown tattoo gang guy notices it, while Lex's gang fires a Missle of crystal to the ocean. So umm... The earth begins to crystallize while I still wonder about that piano scene. So the thug tries to murder Lois, while her son hyperventilates. Good thing her son... HAS SUPER STRENGTH! Also he totally kills that guy. He is... Supermans son! Oh god, this is a whole can of worms.
So Superman is basically a deadbeat dad. Yeah, thanks for turning Superman is a deadbeat dad. His son is 5 years old, and he left 5 years ago. Now it takes a woman almost a year to birth a child. Superman must have seen the baby in her the second she got pregnant. That's how his powers work. Pretty funny superman left when his son was born. Also, and this is against Lois. She didn't know her son was Supermans, but she for sure knew it wasn't James... And he thinks that's his kid! Lois, you and Clark are MADE for each other. Douchebags.
So the guys throw the two in a cell because that one push maxed out the kids power or some shit. Also he totally killed that guy. He really is Superman's son! Well, Man of Steel Superman, I mean. Jimmy bitches about how his life sucks cause he can't take dick pics of Superman. They learn Lois so in trouble, and head out. Superman heads out in a majestic way that totally doesn't make me laugh with how goofy he looks flying. Seriously, the original movie has better flying effects cause it didn't LINGER on them. While I do harp on this movie, I do admit it has a nice scene where Superman must either save the love of his life, or Metropolis. Two things I can totally see ANYONE having problems with. He heads off to save Metropolis, which shows he may love Lois, but the lives of innocents are just as important.
So the earthquake wrecks the city in a dangerous... 1.2. Huh, that wasn't so bad. Basically a sneeze. It does cause gas mains to erupt, so now the city is on fire. That's so bad. Superman stops it in Brandon Routh's patented blow job face, and the Dailey Planet is wrecked. Plus the planet falls, and while I do make fun of the effects, the falling planet one looks great. It straight up looks like a giant globe is gonna crush Elvis's number one fan. Superman catches it with ease, and sets it down gently... On some guys car. Douche move. The new land begins to rise, and Lex has a face that says he shit himself, but doesn't want anyone to know. So that's either joy or he orgasamed. Pleasent. Lois and her son are saved by her maybe Fiancé. Really, why is he always replaced? He seems like a nice guy. But I forgot, he can't benchpress a planet. Fuckin Lois. The ship gets wrecked though cause he may be a good boyfriend and father, but even he can't oppose a continent forming. So the entire place gets wrecked, but Supes saves them. Supes pervs on her X-Ray style, wanting to see that good good bones. That's all women are to men, bones. Superman helps fly them away and goes in to kick Lex's ass! Also he turns into a video game character, for some reason. Lex boasts to Supes how he created a new hotel. That's his motive. Fuck me.
Lex boasts he is human, thus he is better. Supes begins to weaken though, cause of Kryptonite. That, or this is Mortal Kombat X DC, cause Lex just Bitchslaps him aside. Also, fuck that game. It's probably my only chance talking about that game, so fuck that game. Lois wakes up and tells him to head back, cause the place is a trap! Or something like that. Also, Kevin Spacey says 'Kryptonite' like he suddenly cut his balls off. Lex kicks his ass while going all Maurey on his ass telling him abut how he has a son. Superman is soon beat up by some guy. Truly among the greats, like Doomsday, Darkseid, Mongul, or Braniac... Some guys. Also fuck off bad comic relief, you went along with these plans. I hate fake sympathetic people. It's like if I'm a Nazi who is disgusted about the holocaust... Despite gunning down children just 3 minutes ago. So fuck off with how I should feel bad for bad comic relief. Lex stabs Superman, while Brandon pretends he's having an orgasam. Despite all his, he fights on, and or he falls off a cliff like a dumbass. YaI'll, he is superman.
Joe-El begins monologuing while I wonder why Superman is unable to pull a small piece of Kryptonite off himself. He becomes weak, not unable to do shit guys! Beside, size matters. In comics the larger the Kryptonite, the weaker he is. He should still be strong enough to pull this off him. Still, the gang save Superman. Because damn it, they need them to be useful somehow. Also quick weird question, doesn't Kryptonite give you cancer? So does that mean Lex is gonna get cancer when he lives here? Cause I hope so. He's kinda annoying in this flick. Not pissing in jars shoving jelly beans in your face annoying, but still. Lois takes the kryptonite off him and throws it out. Superman decides to get a power boost so he heads to the sun, becomes Popeye... And then he does the most bullshit thing ever. I'll tell ya soon. So Lex is glad he is somehow the best despite eventually the world leaders gonna send some special ops to kill him when he tells everyone his stupid plan. Eventually, things shake. Oh no... SHARKNADO! Wait, that would be fun. Instead, it's just Superman LIFTING A CONTINENT MADE OF KRYPTONITE! So one shard = No power. An entire freaking continent = Superman lifts it like nothing.
Points: 1
Fuck off film, one of the most easily recognizable things about Superman, and you screw that up! Also, Lex's goons totally get killed. Damn, maybe this is Man of steel. Bad comic relief throws away the shards and Lex takes this badly, so badly he's only mildly disappointed in her. Dude, kill her. I would have at this point. Superman throws the continent on the sky or some shit, it's so stupid I can't even begin. Superman is injured though because being able to break several decades of canon in one move takes a lot out of you. OR BECAUSE ONE TINY SHARD OF KRYPTONITE IS POWERFUL THEN A CONTINENTS WORTH!
Next you gonna tell me Superman isn't powered by the sun, but by his farts. Cause that's the next big leap. So Superman dies. Wait, that would be stupid. Instead, it's just a joke. Lois's boyfriend knows he is replaced, and sends her to see Superman. Don't worry man, I bet you will never ever let this happen in a comic book movie ever again. Especially with a bald guy who is played by a completely awesome actor. So Lois heads to the hospital despite thousands blocking her cause fuck you she's Lois Lane. The L.L gives her super-strength. She kisses Superman's unconscious body. Because she is creepy. Superman survives thanks to Boner powers, and everyone is happy. Except me.
Lex bitches about how he is angry, and decides to eat the cannibal dog. No fucking joke. Lex Luthor is gonna eat a cannibal dog. Somehow this is even dumber then red cloaks Lex. Superman escapes the hospital so he can stalk on Lois and be a creepster on her and his son. Superman flies off with Lois happy she was perved on. The music says happy, but the atmosphere says get outta Metropolis, cause you have a god stalking you now. The theme plays while I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Reviewing shitty movies, that's what. This was... Superman Returns.
Score: 1. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?! https://youtu.be/bZC5QeTX_PA
MVC: James. He's the only non creepy non assholish non unfunny guy in this movie.
MSC: Bad comic relief. For being bad comic relief.
Thoughts: This is one return NO ONE WANTED! 20 years too late, with Brandon Routh and Kate Bosworth not even being able to match the iconic portrays of Christopher Reeve and Terence Stamp. The values are awful, the portrayal of Superman as Jesus is nauseating, the plot being lame, and it just doesn't make a good superman movie. Not even Kevin Spacey can save this movie. Honestly, I do get the heart of the film, no problem here! It just needs life to it. The director obviously loves Superman, but he needed help to make a good FILM! Maybe with better dialogue, a more serviceable plot, better effects, and more importantly not being a sequel to one of the most beloved Superman adaptations of all time could have made this film good, if not great! But instead, we got this. If you liked it, more power to you. Me? I couldn't.
This movie is even worse then Batman V Superman!
Hold on, at least this film had HEART! That... That's an entirely different story.