Let's get to this episode... In a hurry, cause if not our next review will be on Tuesday. In 2017.
Fastest Man Alive
Well Barry says fuck monolouging, he has to be a hero. Huh, thank god! The Flash saves people with his super speed... Or fucks up by being too fast. Well another horrible disgusting... Wait! She came into the scene NOT FROM THE BUILDING! You mean her daughter is in danger AND SHE DIDN'T RUN OUT OF THE BUILDING?! Finally people, THIS IS HOW YOU DO THIS KIND OF SCENE! I'm sorry, I just hate when superhero stuff does that shit. Well Cisco is trying to be a hero with Barry, and OH GOD CGI! Bad, bad CGI. Well Barry saves her and everyone in the building, with Caitlin disapproving. Saving lives is very bad. Only bad people help people. She asks who they think they are, and they tell her they are the impossible, and beat the impossible. Row, row, fight the power. Caitlin disapproves of fighting crime when they should be fighting crime.
Wells says that he's in a wheelchair because he done fucked up. Caitlin says she will break Barry if he does this again. Snowbarry! Caitlin threatening to cripple Barry, classic shipping. Well Barry is called in to do his job, being a CSI. A job he will never ever lose because of some asshole British guy who is a crazy gasmask alchemist. Well Barry steals clothes to fit in with the cool kids, and he learns that instead of 1 guy, it was 6 guys and AWW FUCK, SHERLOCK! I forgot that the first two episodes did this. Well he accuses the captain of being a criminal. I always suspected he was a criminal. Maybe in another world... Oh, and Barry is fast. Joe acts like a jerk (Jeez, Sherlock, flashbacks, and Joe being a dickweasel. First few Flash episodes were WEIRD!) Flashback Barry tells Joe his dad wasn't evil. Barry also tells Joe he is not his dad. One day, maybe...
Damn me shipping Biris. Or do they have a better name? Well Barry is able to learn stuff when Iris comes in bitching at Barry, saying she is bored and she blames him. He says she looks nice, and she becomes nice. Damn, that was easy. Wish women were like that in real life. Well Barry tells Iris to fuck Eddie and she does. Well shit. At a business meeting, Stagg mentions how he enjoyed making sure his daughter never fucked some guy named Rex. Really, you have a show about metas and DON'T USE METAMORPHO? Bad show. Bad show.
<Wacks show with newspaper>
Well Iris asks if she can TMZ Stagg, and he says fuck off, he has to fuck his daughter. Well the meeting is ruined by a bunch of robbers. Security comes in, but one guy versus 6? Yeah, no. We'l Barry is unable to speed after them, and he falls. Iris comes to see Barry, who tells her he horribly failed trying to catch them. You should feel bad, FAILRRY! Well Joe asks what would have happened if Barry caught the bad guys. He says Barry can't be a hero. Maybe he and Caitlin should join the 'DON'T BE A HERO' fan club. Caitlin starts insulting Barry for being an idiot. Snowbarry, insulting the ones you love. Cisco says the two have chemistry. Yeah right Cisco, name me ONE PERSON who ships these two? Cisco gives Barry a gift. A treadmill. Well jeez man, what's next, calling him fat?
Well it's a super treadmill that lets him go CGI. They find out his problem. Too many cutways! Duh! Well Joe learns Barry has a fetish for JUSTICE! Flashback Barry ran away again, but little Iris knows where. To Starling, to be with Oliver. They learn Barry needs to eat more. Cisco says he should 850 tacos. Joe also finds Barry at STAR Labs. Damn, after him going in so easily, they should fix security. I'm certain the security of STAR labs will be improved after this episode. Time to close that door! Well Barry tells Joe to stop being crazy, he is a superhero. Joe says no, superheros are lame and shut up.
Barry says Joe is not his father, and Joe acts smug. Damn, why is Joe being such a dick these... First few episodes. Still...
Dick Joe is bad Joe. Well Stagg's head of security is working with the gang guy, and he agrees to kill Stagg, but he says fuck no to his dumb plans. So the gang guy becomes... A gang! They all swarm him and kick his ass. Also, army dude? 5 guys is like a squad at best. Joe hands him evidence and tells him he isn't allowed outside this building again, forever. Iris is angry at Barry for not helping her lately, and wants him to tell her what it is. He tells her. In super speed, of course. So Barry checks the evidence, and learns that a man was killed... BY BABIES! Or clones.
Stagg says he never done anything evil, except when he ruined the environment and had to deal with some Pyg and his associate. He also says that the killer is a cool guy. The killer comes in to prove him wrong. Barry learns that Joe is in danger, and heads out. Barry saves Joe, and he battles gang guy, who just clones himself after every punch and gangs up on him. Well fastest man alive vs 10 guys. Not good. He escapes before they kill him, and Caitlin treats him. Cisco is angry that blood got on his suit. Fuckin Barry. Seems the Killer was into cloning, and now he can clone. Cisco calls him captain Clone. Pfft, a bad guy called Captain. Thank god the flash never does THAT again. Barry think's the beatdown has screwed him over, and he runs away.
Seems little kids can get into prisons with ease. Barry's dad reveals his darkest secret. He was in Dawson's creeks! Also, he doesn't want Barry here. He wants Barry to live his life. Let him live. He is sent back to his cell because of the crimes of being a dad. Fuckin Dads. Well Barry heads to the coffee place, and Eddie brags about how he got into the news. This time, he didn't even drool! Well Iris wants to know what's up, and he tells her CHANGE THE SCENE! Joe tells Stagg to be wary, and Stagg says meh, he gots this. Wells comes in, mocking Stagg. Stagg tells him not to get up. What a dick! Joe is weirded out how Meta's appear, and he asks if Wells knew if Barry was special.
Wells admits that MAYBE he knew. Joe tells Wells that Harrison can't be hanging with Barry anymore, he's a bad influence. Harrison says fuck that noise, he and Barry are gonna hang, even if he's erased from history. Did I ever mention describing a tv show about comic book heroes comes off more as fever dream rants at some points? Well Barry apologizes to Iris, and he tells her he will help her from now on. Iris decides he can help. Some guy who has super speed. Barry finds this preposterous. Now if you excuse him, he needs to use his super speed to stop crime. God, Iris is so lame. Also, Captain Clone is there. It's his clone. Caitlin is his mommy. Does this make Caitlin a Milf? OMG, I can't believe I just called her a Milf. I don't regret it, just wonder why. So the real Captain Clone is being weakened. He begins to move and Joe shoots him.
Seems Colonel Clone is prepping his army, and Joe tells Barry he is sorry. Time to become... A LEGEND OF TOMORROW! Nah, that's silly. Just be a hero. Also.
Well General Clone holds Stagg hostage. He is also promoting himself because fuck you. Barry saves Stagg though, and Barry battles the army of clones. He matrix's the bullets and takes them all out. Private Clone tells Barry he is a Mr. Freeze Expy, cause Stagg killed his sick wife. He was demoted cause of that. His CGI army attacks Barry (Damn, this is the Matrix!) but Barry escapes, and must find the Prime Clone. Joe tells Barry he can do it. So Barry battles an ACTUAL ARMY (Finally!) and finds the real Clone crying. Wow, what a pussy. So Barry defeats him, but Clone attacks. He tries to take Barry with him, but he falls instead.
Wells tells Barry when people break, they stay broken. That's why glue was made. Also Cisco calls him Multiplex. Course he names him AFTER he dies. Fuckin Cisco. Also Barry tells everyone that as a team, they were struck by that lightning.
Fuck you too, for that stupid ass line. Yeah, that line was that stupid. Barry and Joe become friends again over pizzas. Joe tells Barry the two can work together to find out who killed Barry's mom. Barry tells Joe he may not be his father, but he is the man who raised him. So a father. It's good to know Barry has two dads with him. Barry says having powers is kinda cool, but problems still arise. Thankfully, having friends is cool. But SUPER SPEED IS COOLER!
So Wells comes to see Stagg, and they bicker about the clone army speedster battle. Stagg tells Wells that Flash is like Mercury. Huh. Well Stagg says he will be the one to defeat Barry. Wells tells him nah, that's stupid, and also, BTW, he shall die for the ultimate sin. Starring in a marvel movie. Wells kills him, and wants Barry safe.
Reverse Moment: 3
Score: 4. Flawed, and could use work. https://youtu.be/cdEQmpVIE4A
MVC: Wells. Stabbing that marvel president son of a bitch can bring any die hard DC fan to tears.
MSC: First half episode Joe and Caitlin for their fan club of AntiBarryHavingSuperpowersAndHelpingPeople club.
Thoughts: While not as good as the pilot, it does bring an important lesson of needing help and having trust in others to deal with threats. Plus, Clone wars. Hated that movie.