In this episode, we learn a very valuable lesson. Arrow is NOT a batman clone. That's why we have some of Batmans greatest bad guys on the show.
League of Assassins
So Sara, on the boat with Ollie, drinks while the boat is ready to go titanic. We all know how this goes. Oliver tries to Fuck her, boat breaks. So at somewhere new, Ollie and Sara hang out at his place, with him showing her biology. Biology... Of getting your family back together. So at the prison, he sees that the assistant DA wants Laurel on the case because he likes being mean. Moria is given life with parole, but Morias lawyer fights back. Thea and Ollie are a wee bit pissed, but the DA has some blackmail on Moria. Moria freaks out, and says 'Give me a few days'. So Ollie heads out and asks WTF to Laurel. She says it's not her fault, and he tells her WTF, she could say no. Also he sees that Laurel MAY be fucked up. Most likely not sleeping do to Teddy Kruger, brother of the Freddy. So now, we get Sara's backstory, which has 300% more doors then Ollies, 400% more boobs, and 200,000% more CGI birds. Seriously, fuck that CGI bird.
Sara sees a boating head to her, and mildly asks for help. Thank god the boat can hear whispers from almost a mile away. So Ollie comes back home to say Sara is acting like a moron, and she tells him some shit went on after the island. Ollie says 'Meh, I saved China and fought a demon, what you do?' Then Malcolm Merlyn attacks! The two battle him, and he seems to be their equal, hitting it out as hard as them. Ollie takes the guys mask off to see its not Malcolm, but some jackass. He gets away before he has to explain why he raided Malcolm's closet. So Ollie takes her o the Quiver, and he introduces them to the gang.
He tells them that this guy may be Malcolm's BFF stalker who wants to suck his dick after the event, but Sara tells him the truth. The guy was after her, and he is a member of the league of assassins. Oliver almost pisses himself while Diggle heard a rumor of how deadly they are. Ollie asks about them, and Sara says they saved her after the island. But it seems after training, she left the league to do some stuff... Such as not killing innocent people and seeing if her family was alive. So at the boat, Sara tells some pirate what happened, and kind of freaks out on when they show her their dungeons. So umm... She is locked up and well... Umm... I can't make jokes about rape. So new scene!
So Moria tells her family she is okay with life, because of some bozo reason that is really to let no one know her secrets. She... Likes My Little Pony. Don't worry Moria, I like My Little Pony too.
(Pfft, yeah right. What a fuckin weirdo.)
Also, I like saying Fuckin over Fucking.
So Oliver asks for the details, and Moria tells him... No. So Felicity checks out the info, and compares leaving the gym to leaving the league. Ollie wants to deck a guy, and Felicity tells him where to hit. He heads out to the abandoned factory, and while the guy is cleaning his blade... AND HE CATCHES THE ARROW FROM THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WITHOUT EVEN BLINKING! WTF!
Sadly, he will never show anything this AWESOME again. He insults Ollie, saying he can beat Oliver because he trained Malcolm with his Count Dracula impression. First, ever heard of surpassed the teacher? Second, your accent is stupid. Lastly, Ollie has sexy backup. But Al-Owal has backup as well. Two, for the price of one. Oliver battles Al-Owal while Sara battles the mooks.
It is time I discuss the league, and how they went from super threats that one mook can make Oliver or Sara go all out... To just about any skilled character can kill them with the same ease of a mook. Man, I know that not every guy there can be as strong as the next, but these guys went through MASSIVE bad guy drain. Just like their boss. And Nyssa. and Malcolm. And Sara. And Oliver. HOLY SHIT, ITS A THREAD!
So they fight and they fight with an arrow or two with the two running away with Al-Owal gobbling a dick while threatening them. Ollie patches her up and her sexy back while he wonders why she won't tell him anything of her backstory. Diggle tries REALLY hard not to burst into laughing. So Ollie heads out to protect her family, while we have the OH GOD I DON'T WANT TO SEE RAPE! But thank god, a white man saves a blonde pretty white girl from the brutish black men.
When did this show turn racist? So Lance asks for Laurel, while Felicity heads to him to tell him that he is in real danger, while Lance says meh. She tells him assassins are after her. She tells him that Malcolm was a member, and now he believes her, but he wants info. But for some damn reason, he doesn't take her words because damn it, he caught moron!
So Ollie heads to Laurel to want her to be safe, but unlike Lance, isn't a moron cause she doesn't know. But knowing her track record, even if GOD himself told her to run, she would have ignored him. Sara decides that her dad needs to know he is in danger. Diggle asks for help, but Sara says no. They are too dangerous. That's why later in the series, Diggle will gun down multiple members in an all out war with them! Because they make his training look like a kindergartner! Yeah, fuck off Sara and the writers, you wanted the league to be dangerous? MAKE THEM DANGEROUS! Hell, the Hand would slaughter most of these morons. So she threatens to kill him, and runs off, saying she can't die because she played Mario too many times.
So Lance tries not to piss himself because he thinks ninjas may be after him. Please, Ninjas have become jokes. So Lance sees someone... And it's Sara. DUN DUN DUN! So Sara goes 'it's me, it's really me!' And breaks down. Lance is so surprised, he doesn't even know what to do, but hold her and sob. Great... Now ninjas are peeling onions.
So Sara knows her shitty Mandarin too! Ollie and her should start a club. Lance says everyone misses her, and she knows her parents got divorced. He says it's not her fault, it was Laurel. So he asks her if the assassins never came, would she have let them know she lived. She says nah. Lance asks her to explain, but Sara tells him to just run. Lance decides to go with her, while we see how the brave white man protects the pretty white lady... WITH RAPE!
Someone: Didn't you say you won't make rape jokes?
Me: I never said that. Show me proof.
So he explains he locked the door for HER sake. I tried that excuse once. I still can't look at my testicles without wondering why they look like deflated kick balls. So he tells her he is Ivo (Scare chord) and she says her name is Sara (Scare Chord) while I'm hungry (Scare chord). She asks of those people, and he goes 'Umm... I'm curing them of cancer. That's it. Wanna play doctor with me?' So Ollie is glad that Laurel has stopped drinking. Meanwhile, she took heroin when he blinked. She tries to kiss him, but he says that he just wants to be friends. BAM, WOMAN PUT IN THE FRIENDZONE! HOW YOU LIKE THAT, WOMEN?!
Man, I loved that show. So Laurel rants about how she can't get enough dick or some shit about people leaving her... She is sad everyone leaves her. Laurel, he doesn't want to put his disco stick in your garage door, calm down! So she sees her apartment has been broken into, and Ollie enters to see a knife. Because... Umm... Reasons. So she apologizes, while Ollie leaves her. Suck it, BITCH! So then she takes some drugs. Damn, I was joking about the heroin. Jesus. So the league is after Lance, and he wants to know where they are. So Sara tells Lance how her new name is Arabic for Canary. But... Their is no word in Arabic for Canary. Oh never mind. So Sara sees some assassins, and the two face off. So Al tells her to surrender, or die. She fights instead, while Ollie shoots at the only league member that can dodge a bullet. The rest will be killed with ease.
So Sara fights very well, but loses... Until Ollie comes to help. He battles a ballerina mook while Sara catches Al by surprise. So the assassin takes out Lance, and insults him for using a gun.
Assassin: Guns are a cowards weapon. What are you without your sidearm?
Lance: A guy with a spare.
He shoots him with his spare, because fuck you, Lance can be awesome. So Al says that despite her being a beloved, she shall pay. Sara tells the member that if Ra's wants her, he gets her, not her family. She apologizes for being badass, but Lance says don't, cause she's badass. She says she must leave, or they will kill them. He laughs, saying they can take them. She reminds him that these are season 2 assassins, and he tells her to banana split. They hug and cry, while Ollie looks awkward, and tells him to keep her secret. Lance asks how he lives like this, and Ollie thinks meh. So Oliver and Thea head out, and they tell her NO secret will ruin the queens.
Moria: Fine. Thea, Malcolm is your father.
Moria: Ollie, you're a father.
Oliver: HOLY SHIT ON A STICK!
Thea&Oliver: WE HATE YOU MOM, RELATIONSHIP OVER!
Thea: Just die you old bag!
Oliver: I hope you get anal raped in Hell by Satan himself!
Hah hah, good times! So Lance heads to Laurel, and tells her that he worries 24/7 because Laurel is a moron. So Oliver is sad, and drinks very expensive vodka because Sara is gone, and the two drink. He says Diggle was right, and Diggle goes 'Bitch, I'm always right.' So Oliver decides to tell Diggle that some people were on the island. That... Sara was on the island! Wait, we knew that already. From the previous episode, and this one. But she kicks his ass, and acts like a jerk. That's new. That's... New 52 new.
Score: 8, Pretty good with some flaws. https://youtu.be/w6MBuh3Es_8
MVC: Lance. Hey, that's new! His one liners and cry scenes with Sara always gets me, even if he was a moron for 3 minutes and almost shot some kids. Slow episode.
MSC: Al. Yeah, he pulled off that badass feat, but he sucked beyond that, and his voice makes me want to cry for justice.
Thoughts: The league was a great and intimidating backstory for Sara, explaining her abscence. With her gone, the show will miss her... But not for long! Plus, Lance is getting better, while Laurel is getting worse. MUWAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAH!
Nobody's true thought of the league.
Trixie: Oh my god, was that a ninja? Pops Racer: More like a NON-ja. Terrible what passes for a ninja these days.